Archive for April, 2011

The Intimacy of Need

Yes. You read the title of this blog correctly. It does not say “The Need for Intimacy”. It is not about sex – not directly. Although, let’s all just recognize that sexual intimacy is a challenge for most parents of small children (working moms included). And emotional intimacy is a good foundation for good sex.
This discussion offers a new twist on what creates an environment of emotional intimacy. And once again…candles, soft lighting, music…all nice to have…but not the insight of this conversation. NEED is the insight. Part of the reason that we enter relationships is that the person that we are with helps to fulfill a need in us. That person is great at something that we are not. That person offers the support and encouragement that we need to make it through a tough day or to pursue a goal. That person, simply knows that we drink our coffee black and we love peaches. And that intimate knowledge makes us feel safe and loved.
When we become mothers and juggle work at the same time, we MUST take care of the needs of our children. (This is true for fathers too). It is easy to focus on logistics management and forget about the intimacy of need with a partner.
I am married to one of the most able men on the planet (other than in the kitchen…but that is his voluntary incompetence). I am personally also pretty independent and able. It is easy for us to stop needing each other. But self-sufficiency misses the point. We realized this several years ago and talk about it openly. Our relationship is at its best when we are each a little needy. It helps to solidify the connection between us and emphasize the uniqueness of our partnership.
So STOP being self-sufficient…don’t try to do it all. Be a little vulnerable. Ask to have your back rubbed or your gas pumped. Welcome a similar request from your partner to TIVO something for them on TV. Open yourself up to the little needs that create the big intimacy.

Roll With It – from Eileen Miller’s Baby Love

Some people really like surprises. I am definitely not one of those people. In December of 2009, I was informed that I was a grandmother. And not only was I a grandmother, but that my grandson was already three months old. Admittedly, my initial reaction lasting all of 30 seconds, was not exactly positive. At the 31 second mark, I felt this incredible surge of love. I was in love with my grandson even before meeting him, which came to be three weeks later. My son and I drove to Pennsylvania to meet Tristan for the very first time. Fortunately, Tristan's mother, grandfather, and great grandfather welcomed us with open arms. And when I laid eyes on that little baby boy, and saw my son take his son into his arms, I felt a whole new level of JOY.

Tristan, now a hilariously rambunctious 18 month old, is one of my treasures in life … and my SUNSHINE. Every time I sing "You are My Sunshine" to this otherwise busy boy, he calms down and wants to cuddle. During a recent visit to our house, he was fighting the going to sleep plan. I scooped him up out of his pack 'n play, sat down in the rocker, and softly sang our song. And just when I thought he was sound asleep after listening to our song 20 times-breathing deeply and completely relaxed-he would snap his head up and look at me with bright eyes and a big smile. Starting up with the song again, he placed his hands on my face and aptly imitated the movements of my mouth in song. Within moments, he rested his curly-haired head back down in the nook of my shoulder for a hug and a love.

Cool things I have always known, but now have the opportunity to experience on a whole new level:
Things may not always go to plan.
Surprises can change your life – roll with it.
The miracle is love – it's always love.

Tristan is the very best of surprises, a true miracle, and love on the move.
He is my SUNSHINE.

- Eileen Miller